JT ain't got nothin' on me...

WARNING: This post contains Breaking Dawn spoilers... kind of.

While attending a midnight-ish showing of Breaking Dawn with my sisters last Friday, my brain made an unfortunate (for me) connection between a particular scene and Justin Timberlake's annoyingly catchy tune "Sexy Back." If you haven't heard it, the rest of this post will make even less sense than the no sense that it makes now. (What? Ok.) You can listen here, although I'm not sure I should recommend that you do so because since then, it has been relentlessly attacking my brain, encouraging me to finish the new set of lyrics that I innocently began forming that night. In an attempt to give my brain a rest, and at the request of the above-mentioned sisters (yes, Megan. That includes you), I present the finished product. This one's for you, girls.

Ahem...

"Alpha Back"

He’s takin’ Alpha back (yeah)

Those other werewolves won’t know how to act (yeah)

He best be careful ‘fore they all attack (yeah)  

‘Cuz  Sam is willin’ to call out the pack… (yeah)

      (Take’em to the bridge)

What a babe…

Our little pup is old enough to shave

And now those rights as leader that he gave

Are flowing back just like a tidal wave

     (Take em to the chorus!)

Hold your breath

     (They threatened Bella)

Here comes Seth            

     (Jake thinks she’s swell…a)

Leah, too

 (For Edward’s wife)

Unlikely crew

  (He'll risk his life)

That’s all that he’s workin’ with

  (‘cuz Renesmee)

Changed since Eclipse

  (Was born today)

Guard the vamps

  (imprint surprise)

Like werewolf champs

  (and someone dies)

Get your Alpha on

     (Go ‘head be gone with it)

Get your Alpha on

     (Go ‘head be gone with it)

Get your Alpha on

     (Go ‘head be gone with it)

Get your Alpha on

He’s takin’ alpha back (yeah)

He gave it up but now he’s back on track (yeah)

And although Sam was pickin’ up his slack (yeah)

The rightful alpha is still Jacob Black (yeah)

You're welcome. 

This one's for you Grandpa...

With Love, from an English major

and.... SHE'S BACK! 

Everything You Never Wanted to Know...

Whelp... it's about that time.

This morning as I sat in the kitchen watching yesterday's exceptionally funny episode of "Melissa and Joey" (seriously... it was great) and waiting for the Qwest man to come fix our phone line, I popped a couple of slices in the toaster for a mid-morning snack. Somewhere between putting the bread in the toaster and finishing the episode, Qwest man came, which was good for the phone line... but unfortunate for my toast, which sat neglected for nearly an hour.

Needless to say, my toast was cold. And I was sad. Because what can you do with cold toast? There really isn't any way for it to continue being toast. If you toast it again, it burns. If you microwave it, it is no longer toasty. You can make it into a turkey or grilled cheese sandwich, but then it becomes a meal, and all I wanted was a snack.

Cue Google.

Yep. It happened. I googled 'cold toast'.

Initially, I was just hoping to salvage my snack, but--as is the case with most google searches--I ended up stumbling upon an endless amount of cold toast knowledge that I never really cared to learn, but some of which I deemed share-worthy. Enjoy.

1. Cold toast has its own Facebook page. I guess it shouldn't surprise me that someone somewhere has dedicated a Facebook page to discussing such a thing, but it's still a little hard to believe, right? Anyway, upon further examination, I determined that this particular page was in favor of cold toast in all its "quirky goodness." Apparently, there are at least 420 people in the Facebook community that prefer cold toast to warm, toasty... toast. Not to worry though, cold-toast-haters... because I went on to discover...

2. The 'I Hate Cold Toast!' Facebook page. Interestingly enough, in the Facebook community, less people dislike cold toast than those who enjoy it. (Or, less people care about hating cold toast enough to 'like' the page than those who are adamant about how great it is.) Even MORE interesting though is that both groups have opted to use the SAME cold toast picture in an effort to emphasize their opposing points:

3. There is a band named Cold Toast. Well, there was a band. Unfortunately for us all, they disbanded in 2010. They claim to be of the 'experimental electronic folk pop rock' genre. You can download their music here for free. 

aaaaaaand... there they are. Their faces suggest that they are NOT fans of cold toast, and yet,

who names their band after something they dislike?

Last, but certainly not least...

4. A scientist, "who has invested time, energy and his considerable brain power to ascertain the best method to enjoy [marmalade]" suggests that it should always be eaten on cold toast. (If you think I'm joking, you can read the article here.) Apparently, it tastes better that way. There have been studies. More than anything, I would like to find out how one becomes a scientist that researches breakfast foods for a living... and actually makes a living, but for now, I won't quit my day job.

Even though the search was somewhat enlightening in terms of the world of toast, mine was still cold, and I was still unhappy, having been unsuccessful in my quest to find an acceptable re-heating technique. 

So I ate it cold. and dry. 

... at least our phone works again.

Wednesday 'Why': Herc and the Bachelorette, redboxing, and the number one movie I never wanted to see that made me cry

For all of you who have requested the return of the Wednesday 'Why'... and you know who you are... here goes:

Monday night I had the privilege (it took me three tries and one dictionary to spell 'privilege'. I wish I was joking)  of watching The Bachelorette with Brooke and Megan instead of by myself on hulu the next day like I usually do. I'm happy to say that watching with them makes an otherwise boring season wonderfully enjoyable. You may recall that a couple posts back I mentioned the similar physical appearance to Hercules of one contender for Ashley's heart. If you don't remember, here he is again:

Unfortunately, Hercu-Nick's godly physique wasn't enough to win her over and was sent packing. Not to worry though! The girls argued that there is another hopeful fellow that better fits the cartoon-y profile and that I had previously overlooked:

None other than our favorite Ivy-leaguer himself... Ames. After giving it a little too much thought, I decided that Ames' features are truer to cartoon Herc, where Nick could play the character in a Disney theme park. Luckily, Hamesules (Herculames?) is still very much in the game despite the mild concussion he received during an ill-conceived boxing group date. The question is...

Why does Hercules keep creepin' into The Bachelorette instead of staying in his Disney film where he belongs? 

Seriously though... any version of Herc--be it the hunky cartoon, or just a real-life look-a-like--is too good for the likes of Ashley, no matter how 'perFACT' she thinks he might be for her.

...In other news, we visited redbox last night for the first time in a long time to rent Waiting For Forever, which was filmed in Utah, had many a familiar face, and was a lot better than I expected it to be. Red was feeling generous, or I guess just looking to prey on an unsuspecting victim like myself and offered a second movie at only 50 cents. Naturally I accepted. Which brings me to the final part of my post: What is the number one movie I never wanted to see that made me cry that I should be but am strangely not embarrassed to admit?

... um, yeah. 

 

An Original Redneck Love Poem

Note: This post PWNS my blogging hiatus

(Pwn: v. - To dominate, defeat, or conquer)

A few weeks ago, I found this book on a clearance table at Barnes and Noble:

Naturally, I purchased it. Four dollars, twenty-five cents, and a couple hours later, my good friends (BrookeandMegan) and I were crying slash peeing our pants with laughter as we learned all sorts of words that we never knew existed. (Let it be known that this book isn't nearly as funny unless you read it late at night when you are super tired and/or drunk) Since then, the book has proved to not only be an incredible source of entertainment, but also an effective learning tool. In an effort to share what I have learned with all (six) of you, I have written my very first Redneck Love Poem. Enjoy. 

Redneck Love Poem

I was at the bar a few weeks back

I'd gondolier at the women with my buddy Jack

But cupid done shot me with his bow narrow

when I spotted a gal o'er by the big stuffed sparrow.

I knew I never met herbivore

'cuz I Nevada girl with six teeth or more.

When I pointed her out, Jack said "That's Madge. She's great!

And your taste has improved because magistrate!

So I'm talon you... Go grab her tension!"

And heathen left before I could mention

that I've always had disability

to cause women to respond to me with hostility.

But I really wanted this gallon my side

'cuz e'en though I'd lacquer thinner, she'd make a purty good bride.

So I moved mass over and cauterize, 

butter friend disfigured I was one of those guys

who lays Zion a paranormal girls

and only wants trip off their clothes and their pearls.

So she hollered at me "We ain't a couple of hoes!"

But Madge just smiled and said "Yellow."

I said, "You probably shunt leave your sis,

but where a date ain't good for three, fortuitous.

Now, I didn't make Pacific plans,

but moan take you by your purty hands

and ask if you'll data Redneck like me."

She nodded her head, and I shouted "Yipee!"

Well, monorail streak 'cuz I've made her my wife.

This isn't what I would have planned for my life,

but I mascara lot for her since we're still linked,

'cuz she smells real nice and my recent extinct.

So darlin', I love you. Saint just a fling.

I brought you some flyers and here I will sing

that I thank the Crater for sending you here

'cuz without you I'd be havin' to fetch my own beer.

...See. I TOLD you this post PWNS my blogging hiatus.

 

PS- I think this poem would make a KILLER Redneck Love Song if anyone wants to create us a tune. Just throwin' that out there.

Blog Fail Make-Up: What I'm Watching, Reading, and a Human Cartoon

I had a total blog fail this week... so in an attempt to keep myself from becoming blog stagnant, here's a little something.

- Bentley continued to stir up trouble on the Bachelorette this week, but the REAL highlight of the episode for me was THIS guy:

For those of you who don't watch, this is Nick. He's a personal trainer from... er... somewhere... and I'm also pretty sure he is the non-cartoony version of THIS guy:

I mean, he's a little less glowy, and a little less 'hunk-ules' but the similarities are there. As I watched the episode a second time with Brooke and Megan yesterday, every time he appeared on screen I would giggle and say 'Hercules!' (I don't think they appreciated it) Except for being a cartoon celebrity look-a-like, he seems to lean a little towards the 'dry toast' side of the personality scale. We'll see how far he makes it.

- I have been in the process of watching One Tree Hill (The best show ever made)  from beginning to end for the second time since it first aired, and as I started Season 6 the other day, mom realized she has never seen it. (What?!) That was unacceptable, so we've been watching it together. I forgot how much I love this season and it's even BETTER with someone who hasn't experienced it before. 

- These are the books I'm currently reading:

Yes, there are seven. No, I am not kidding. I always read 2 or 3 books at a time, but this is slightly ridiculous. However, there is a method behind my madness (kind of). I've been re-reading Scott Westerfield's Uglies series because I never did read the final book and I needed to refresh my memory of the first three before I dive into the last. I'm nearly through the Pretty Little Liars series, which I started before the Westerfield books and I couldn't just stop without finishing. One Day is about to be released as a movie, so naturally I wanted to read the book before I see it. Beauty Queens came highly recommended by John Green, which is reason enough to give it a try. Yesterday, Megan gave me When It Happens and The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner and I started reading them both because I was too lazy to come upstairs to get one of the books I'd already started, and finally, I'm reading Lament because I love Maggie Stiefvater's Wolves of Mercy Falls trilogy (of which the third and final book will be released on July 12th and of which I have already pre-ordered) and only recently discovered that she'd written other books. Of course I am reading them all at once because I hate getting my hands on a book and not immediately beginning to read it. I'll let you know what is worth reading as I finish each one. 

Whew! So, there it is. A little something to make up for a blogless week. Even if you don't care about what I'm watching or reading, at least there was Nick-cules. You're welcome. 

Wednesday 'Why': Utah, Weirdos, and Reality TV

So... if you don't watch The Bachelor/Bachelorette, you probably won't care to read this post... but you probably should anyway. Maybe.

Today's Wednesday 'Why' is a little different, in that I haven't been able to come up with any acceptable answer. Feel free to let me know what YOU think.

The new season of The Bachelorette Premiered on Monday and promises to be as entertaining as ever, but after watching the episode, I was left wondering:

Why are all of the most ridiculous and hateable contestants on The Bachelor/ette from Utah?!

Technically, I'm only talking the last two seasons... but I feel like this is an unfortunate and somewhat disgracing trend for the majority of Utahns (aka those of us who are NOT crazy). 

Exhibit A:

Michelle 

Bachelor Season 15: Brad Womack

Michelle was--by far-- the most ridiculous contestant last season. A hairstylist from Salt Lake City, She was super obnoxious, weirdly possessive of Brad from the very beginning, and just... well, psycho. At one point in the season, she woke up one morning with a black eye, claiming to not have any idea how it happened. Creepy. I'm thinking that some of the crazy can be chalked up to editing, since she seemed fairly normal in the 'Women Tell All' episode... and it has been rumored that she was hired as an actress to be scary-psycho, but regardless of whether or not that is true, I don't think I'll ever be able to bring myself to see the movie she starred in recently (Midway to Heaven). 

Exhibit B:

Bentley 

Bachelorette Season 7: Ashley Hebert

We've only just been introduced to this piece of work, but it didn't take much to discover that Bentley has dirt bag potential. Apparently, Ashley received a call from a 'friend' (most likely Michelle) warning her that his fellow was only coming on the show to promote his career... or something. While I wouldn't normally take a proven psychopath's word, it only took the first episode to realize that Bentley is pretty much an A-hole. Here's the kicker-- Even after being warned about Bentley's sleeze-ball potential, Ashley STILL opted to give him a rose. I guess it wouldn't have suited to send this season's villain packing after only one night... but it's still enough to make me shake a fist at her. 

I realize that reality TV hardly attracts the cream of the crop, but back-to-back seasons featuring less-than-stellar Utahn contestants? Oy vey. Not exactly the image Utah wants to portray. (Unintentional rhyme) I am officially submitting my application to appear on the next Bachelor season to show the world that we don't breed weirdos here... 

"Hooded Weirdos"

... or not. 

Happy Wednesday!

-Once upon a time, I was going to post my thoughts on season finales. It hasn't happened yet. (Obviously) It may or may not still happen.-