An Original Redneck Love Poem

Note: This post PWNS my blogging hiatus

(Pwn: v. - To dominate, defeat, or conquer)

A few weeks ago, I found this book on a clearance table at Barnes and Noble:

Naturally, I purchased it. Four dollars, twenty-five cents, and a couple hours later, my good friends (BrookeandMegan) and I were crying slash peeing our pants with laughter as we learned all sorts of words that we never knew existed. (Let it be known that this book isn't nearly as funny unless you read it late at night when you are super tired and/or drunk) Since then, the book has proved to not only be an incredible source of entertainment, but also an effective learning tool. In an effort to share what I have learned with all (six) of you, I have written my very first Redneck Love Poem. Enjoy. 

Redneck Love Poem

I was at the bar a few weeks back

I'd gondolier at the women with my buddy Jack

But cupid done shot me with his bow narrow

when I spotted a gal o'er by the big stuffed sparrow.

I knew I never met herbivore

'cuz I Nevada girl with six teeth or more.

When I pointed her out, Jack said "That's Madge. She's great!

And your taste has improved because magistrate!

So I'm talon you... Go grab her tension!"

And heathen left before I could mention

that I've always had disability

to cause women to respond to me with hostility.

But I really wanted this gallon my side

'cuz e'en though I'd lacquer thinner, she'd make a purty good bride.

So I moved mass over and cauterize, 

butter friend disfigured I was one of those guys

who lays Zion a paranormal girls

and only wants trip off their clothes and their pearls.

So she hollered at me "We ain't a couple of hoes!"

But Madge just smiled and said "Yellow."

I said, "You probably shunt leave your sis,

but where a date ain't good for three, fortuitous.

Now, I didn't make Pacific plans,

but moan take you by your purty hands

and ask if you'll data Redneck like me."

She nodded her head, and I shouted "Yipee!"

Well, monorail streak 'cuz I've made her my wife.

This isn't what I would have planned for my life,

but I mascara lot for her since we're still linked,

'cuz she smells real nice and my recent extinct.

So darlin', I love you. Saint just a fling.

I brought you some flyers and here I will sing

that I thank the Crater for sending you here

'cuz without you I'd be havin' to fetch my own beer.

...See. I TOLD you this post PWNS my blogging hiatus.

 

PS- I think this poem would make a KILLER Redneck Love Song if anyone wants to create us a tune. Just throwin' that out there.